Op-Ed: Top Wave Pool Stories from the year 2050
Ahead of the curve, that’s how we roll at Wave Pool Mag. Do you want the low-down on the top stories from the future? Here are what’s sure to be the top stories from 2050. You’re welcome.
While outer galaxies are still being explored, it’s safe to say our solar system has been tamed. With commercial colonies on our moon, Mars, and Saturn, interest has shifted from science to tourism. With the requisite two satellites per planet colony now in place, it’s been a five-year mission to build orbiting hotels, complete with circular wave pools.
The Best Spacin’ hospitality brand boasts two of these lifestyle million-star lodges. Comprising of two 2000-room hotels orbiting Mars and Saturn, respectively, both boasting wave pools.
Both are of the same design, circular, with specific space-caused peculiarities. Compared to the hotel, the pool’s gravitational fields are at half levels. It’s great for lofting aerials though it can be a little disconcerting when an entire pool of water follows you thirty feet into the air. The tubes, though, are fantastic. Due to lower gravity, the waves throw higher and wider, offering barrels you could easily drive a Mark 3 Telada Starship through.
While sitting deep in the barrel, we recommend heavily tinted glasses, particularly for the Saturn pool – where the light reflecting from the dust and ice in Saturn’s rings is beyond dazzling. Saturn’s Storm Pool is a winner, and the barrels sublime; go get ’em, star shooter. Oh, and as a bonus for locals, citizens of neighboring planets are entitled to 20% off on yearly passes.
Though on our visits to each hotel, we can report that housekeeping is sadly a sometime a thing. And good luck finding an ice machine or a room that doesn’t smell like the inside of a star hauler cargo cabin.
Back to the Future for Surfboard Tech
Since the emergency recall of the near-ubiquitous McFly water hoverboards, surfboards have returned to their more traditional roots of Teflon-coated carbon fiber, bamboo, and agave fungus. Surfing in the water, as opposed to hovering a foot above, is something we’ll have to get used to for a while.
Due to the McFly’s rapidly shortening battery life, poor wiring insulation, and a tendency to sink immediately once de-powered, they’ve proven less than reliable after only 500 surf hours. The fact that these boards have also been providing riders with an immediate electric shock once submerged is another reason they’re now found littering ocean beds.
Though these ‘new’ traditional boards certainly look funky, and it’s an archaic way of surfing, it’s the safest option. But we’ve heard rumors from insiders at the ZuckMusk labs that a new board powered by nuclear fission is in the works. Driven by trace amounts of uranium and plutonium, these board power packs will be customizable and available from all good drug stores and vending machines. The future’s looking bright.
Body Upgrades and Software Downloads
Sales of downloadable interactive software for your personal hardware have increased throughout the year. Sure, you’ve implanted your bionic Tom Carrol legs and downloaded the Kelly Slater reflexes 5.0 into your Laird Waterman Skin TM, but have you added this year’s hottest trend, Gillnext?
Enabling you to breathe underwater, it’s the latest safety feature if you happen to fall off your board, or get disconnected from your custom placed foot sensors, and end up underwater. Wave pools are a great place to practice swimming underwater, and with the addition of underwater wave pool bars over the past year, Gillnext downloads have rapidly increased.
While there have certainly been issues with providing food and snacks underwater – peanuts, chips, and hot wings in particular – it’s rumored several food companies will be introducing a variety of snacks in brightly colored intravenous bags. Also to be presented are waterproof feed bags that can be secured with adjustable neck and ear straps to be firmly held in place, covering your mouth.
Underwater Wave Pool
What was many years ago regarded as a final frontier for man’s exploration now boasts a major underwater enclosed city featuring a wave pool. The Mariana Trench Pool, as well as being the world’s deepest, features the latest in pool safety tech. There have been no accidents since the great flush of ’41. I’m sure you’ll remember seeing footage of 100 surfers accidentally flushed through the emergency drainage pipes, only coming to a halt meters from the exit thanks to 20 soft-tops wedging the valve shut.
Featuring heavy water, steam vents, and ample floodlights, the appearance of aquatic oddities swimming around outside the wave pool dome is sure to impress. While the tech has become outdated, it’s only able to offer up five barrels per wave and 13 air sections; it’s still a fun place to visit. Although it’s worth noting, being closer to the earth’s core makes it harder to boost traditional, non-jet pack-assisted aerials.
It’s a challenging place to get to. However, it’s still worth taking the 20-minute supersonic submarine ride if you want to get away for the afternoon.